Honestly, 2019 has been an excellent year for movies. Still, no year is exempt from cinematic bullshit, and 2019’s blunders have been exceptional. The descriptions in this list will definitely contain far more profane language than is typical for me, so be prepared for an outpouring of unquenchable hate! I know the year isn’t over yet, but my choices for bottom ten aren’t likely to change between now and January 1, 2020.
First, let’s look at some…
Dishonorable Mentions:
Brittany Runs a Marathon
I cannot in good conscience put this on my worst-of list, but I can definitely throw some shade its way.
At this year’s Sundance, the hype around Brittany Runs a Marathon was staggering. I tried so hard to get into a screening, but couldn’t because of the high demand. It got a distribution deal with Amazon before the festival was even over, and Sundancers just couldn’t shut up about how great it was.
When I finally watched this on Amazon later this year, I was pretty appalled. It’s a boring and formulaic comedy that works very hard to subvert the tired and potentially harmful tropes associated with “weight loss journey” movies…and then gives in to most of them. I’ll admit that I generally hate its star, Jillian Bell, unless she’s playing “herself” in Workaholics, or standing in the background of a Paul Thomas Anderson film. Still, this was just a boring attempt at a heartwarming comedy that overstayed its welcome in spite of only being an hour and 44 minutes long.
I’m pretty sure most of the hype came from the fact that it looks like a real movie, and it came from a first-time director. I’ll admit this is impressive, but it doesn’t make the movie any less cliché and groan-inducing.
Corporate Animals
Another Sundance film I need to throw under the bus, Corporate Animals was the single worst experience of the festival. That includes tromping through snow and ice to get to each venue, trying to get on wait-lists using a phone that constantly crashes, and watching my closest friend suffer from illness during one of the most special times of our lives. It’s a fucking awful movie.
I saw this on my first day at Sundance, and its lame humor and awful writing triggered some serious doubts in me about what the rest of the experience would be like. Any movie that can make me doubt whether attending Sundance was a good idea belongs on this list.
At least we got an Ed Helms Q&A out of it, even though he’s only in 5-10 minutes of the movie. I don’t even like Ed Helms, but at least he’s a celebrity.
The Bottom Ten
10. The Lion King, Dumbo, and Aladdin
This year’s unholy trifecta of Disney bullshit definitely deserves a 3-way tie at the bottom of my list. Each of these cynical cash-grab disasters suffers greatly from the animal equivalent of the uncanny valley effect, making them difficult to watch, at least for me. Aladdin involves fewer animals, so that criticism applies mostly to the other two, but those fucked up almost-animals in The Lion King made the movie completely unwatchable and almost disturbing.
The worst part of this Disney live-action remake trend is how cynical and listless they feel. Nobody in any of these movies feels like they’re trying – it’s almost as if they know they’re going to be replaced by soul-less CG representations of themselves in post. None of these movies have a reason to exist aside from exploiting the nostalgia of the masses to make money, and yet, no matter how many times critics point this out, general audiences will turn out in droves, because Disney.
So fuck you, Disney, and fuck your laughably awful Disney+ library.
9. Escape Room
I almost put The Dead Center in this position, a terrible disappointment starring Shane Carruth (acclaimed director of Primer and Upstream Color), but then I remembered that Escape Room was released earlier this year. Oh my.
Most have probably forgotten about this film by now, and that’s definitely for the best. The “Escape Room” trend, in which people pay other people to lock them in a room and throw puzzles at them, is something I’ve never quite understood. For a concept that feels inspired by films like Saw, giving people the opportunity to experience similar situations in an environment that has little potential to result in your death, it strikes me as counter-intuitive to translate that back into film. We all know escape rooms are hot right now, but they’re probably something we’ll look back on with the same embarrassment we feel toward track suits, pet rocks, and bell-bottoms.
Still, this movie exists. It’s a bit like trying out an escape room with the most obnoxious human beings imaginable, and the story is boring and cliché. Even the escape rooms themselves are lame. It’s no wonder I had to dredge this one up from the pits of my memory – it really is that forgettable.
8. The Fanatic
In a shocking twist, rapper/vocalist Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit made another movie this year (after two failed melodramas in 2007 and 2008). In fact, he both wrote AND directed this movie. If that statement doesn’t make you at least a little sick to your stomach, here’s a list of what Fred Durst has previously been known for:
– Claiming to be “in a relationship” with Brittany Spears, which she has always denied
– Inciting violence at Woodstock ’99
– Being late for concerts
– Justifiably talking shit about Creed
– Performing a duet with Christina Aguilera, then telling the world he did it to sleep with her once the performance was negatively received
– Not giving a shit after a fan died of asphyxiation during one of his concerts, then taunting and throwing water at security guards trying to prevent the same thing from happening at his very next concert
– Standing trial for criminal negligence related to the death of aforementioned fan
– Going on a homophobic rampage in the middle of a concert before walking off stage, then getting sued for breach of contract
– Getting himself (and his music) banned from Ukraine after showering praise all over Vladimir Putin
– Calling fans of the band Slipknot, “Fat, ugly kids”
– Directing EHarmony commercials
– Being aggressively vegan
That’s certainly not the most flattering legacy, and now we can add, “writing and directing The Fanatic” to that list. It fits right in.
The one who really ought to be ashamed here is John Travolta, who plays a mentally challenged stalker with all the misguided gusto of Rosie O’Donnell’s Riding the Bus with my Sister. It’s made very, very clear that Travolta is trying to exploit the Academy Awards by playing someone with a disability in this cynical character study, and at the end of the day, that’s a bit sick. The fact that both Durst and Travolta thought it might work is even more disgusting. Luckily, the film bombed, as audiences caught on quickly. Its primary audience is those who wish to laugh at Travolta’s over-the-top performance, but even that gets monotonous after a while.
To add to all the bullshit surrounding this movie, the script has Travolta unapologetically murdering people and torturing the main character, because Durst doesn’t understand that someone with a developmental disability is still capable of empathy unless there happens to be a co-occurring personality disorder, or any number of “exceptions” – all of which are equally likely to occur in EVERY OTHER HUMAN BEING. The egomaniacal Durst even goes as far as to include a scene where Travolta’s victim plays Limp Bizkit for his son (to introduce him to “real music”), and then actually name-drops Limp Bizkit. The Fanatic is a mean-spirited shit-show not only for its disrespectful portrayal of those with developmental disabilities, but also for forcing the audience to listen to about 10 seconds of Durst’s music.
At least Fred Durst endorses piracy, so don’t feel bad about downloading this one as illegally as possible.
7. Unplanned
No worst-of-the-year list would be complete without a PureFlix film, and what’s more, this one is about abortion! So, what will PureFlix get wrong this time?
Well, pretty much everything. Again. In fact, my issues with this film are fairly similar to my complaints about The Fanatic. It’s made by assholes, it’s extremely self-indulgent, and its offensive portrayal of a character with a developmental disability made me ill. The real Abby Johnson was not developmentally disabled, but movie Abby sure wants us to think she is!
I very seriously considered seeing this in theaters, but in retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t. Multiple times a year, PureFlix releases shitty movie after shitty movie, each so poorly-written that they end up including some really disturbing implications – things that should disturb both the evangelical crowd (the intended audience) and everyone else. The pursuit of knowledge is something traditionally frowned upon in most religions, so church congregations refuse to think critically about a film simply because it’s labeled “Christian”, and show up by the van-load to support these atrocities. This allows PureFlix to continue to release its strange form of entertainment that lies somewhere between exploitation and straight-up propaganda. This includes films like Let There Be Light, which was executive produced by Sean Hannity, who actually appears for a cameo to talk about political issues that have NOTHING to do with the film’s plot. Go ahead, tell me PureFlix doesn’t have a political agenda.
There is one other major demographic that consumes PureFlix films, and that’s people like me who just love fascinatingly-awful movies. I’m all about turning out to support filmmakers, even if you’re watching a movie ironically. Making a film is still an accomplishment that should be rewarded, unless it happens to be spreading misinformation and literally harming society. As such, I found another way to watch this movie that didn’t require any risk of PureFucks receiving a dime, from ad revenue or otherwise, because if people like me keep showing up to theaters, these movies will never go away. And they need to. Our world needs them to.
The story concerns Abby Johnson, the former director of a Planned Parenthood clinic who jumped ship and became a rabid pro-lifer. The movie is full of strange and obviously politically-motivated character choices that make it a really puzzling watch. The villain is Abby’s boss, who delivers a memorable speech that will likely be ½ of Unplanned’s meme legacy.
“Fast food outlets look to break even on the hamburgers they sell. That’s all they do is break even … Do you know where they make all their money? The french fries and soda. Low cost, high margin items. Abortion is our fries-and-soda.”
The second meme legacy this film graced us with is the bizarre inclusion of a CG abortion scene viewed through an ultrasound. I understand that scene is probably disturbing for some, but the CG is so bad, and the recreation so inaccurate, that I can’t help but giggle just a little. It’s excruciatingly over-the-top and full of outright misrepresentations – just like the film.
6. The Curse of La Llorona
I’ll admit that I had a really awful experience in the theater with The Curse of La Llorona, but even if it had gone well, this movie would have still pissed me off.
A loose entry in The Conjuring universe, La Llorona is essentially that world’s Rogue One – it exists primarily to add just a little bit of information to the films that came before it. The connection to the universe here is tenuous at best, but unlike Rogue One, this story doesn’t feel like it was created to close a single plot hole. Instead, it feels like they couldn’t get financial backing for their shitty La Llorona movie, and sold the script to a studio that could slap on Conjuring references to bank on the franchise’s success. Honestly, they didn’t even do THAT well.
There are plenty of jump scares here, because that’s the kind of lazy movie we’re dealing with. The story is really just an answer to the hypothetical question, “What if La Llorona were real, and residing in 21st century America?” A good 80% of the run-time is a family being chased by the malevolent spirit in their middle-class home. There is almost no characterization, and it’s fairly boring and uneventful.
I’ve never been a massive fan of The Conjuring universe. Those movies tend to be entertaining enough, and definitely exceed most horror films of the same type in quality, but The Curse of La Llorona is by far the worst (and most disconnected) entry in the series thus far.
5. The Dead Don’t Die
It breaks my heart to put this on my list. I’ve loved many of Jim Jarmusch’s films in the past, and even the news that he’s releasing a new film excites me. I have no idea what happened to this movie, but it makes my soul weep.
Going into this one, I had already been exposed to the hate, and yet, I’ve seen this on multiple top ten lists this year. I knew this would be controversial. I thought that, perhaps, the film was just too deadpan and self-referential for general audiences. Jarmusch’s work has always struggled to resonate with the masses, so I assumed that the tremendous amount of vitriol poured on this film was probably the result of his typical idiosyncrasies. That was not the case.
This garbage has the best damn cast you could ask for. Bill Murray, Adam Driver, TOM FUCKING WAITS, Chloë Sevigny, Steve Buscemi, Danny Glover, Caleb Landry Jones, Rosie Perez, Carol Kane, Tilda Swinton, and even Iggy Pop. Every single one of them is wasted by this nothing script. There are no real memorable moments. The conflict feels slight, which was probably somewhat intentional knowing Jarmusch.
Worst of all, I didn’t crack a smile once. This is definitely supposed to be an understated comedy, but it even fails in that regard. Every second of this filthy jizz-rag of a movie should be thrown down a very deep well after being beaten to death with Adam Driver’s baseball bat. Shame on everyone involved! You all fucked up.
4. Polaroid
Polaroid is one of those horror movies about a cursed _________ that causes teenagers to die in stupid ways, for stupid reasons. You can fill that blank in with just about any household object these days, but Polaroid does so with, of course, “camera.”
This one makes it on the list for not adhering to its own rules in any way/shape/form, and for strictly following such a predictable formula, badly. The acting is terrible, but that’s just par for the course in this genre. Polaroid is based on a short film, and holy shit is it obvious! The lack of characterization (or rather, poor characterization) makes me want to cut all but ten minutes. These poorly-written characters aren’t even distinct enough to fall into archetypes like: the jock, the cheerleader, the cute but shy girl, the fat one, etc.
Also, the main character is a girl named Bird. Please, if you’re considering naming a child, don’t name them Bird. It’s a stupid name, and you know it. Don’t doom your child to a lifetime of shoddy avian jokes, or, ever worse, references to Polaroid.
3. Jacob’s Ladder
Remember that trippy movie with Tim Robbins about veterans being subjected to research on psychedelics? You needed a race-swapped remake, didn’t you? Just like last year’s inexplicably race-swapped remake of Fahrenheit 451, this new version of Jacob’s Ladder has no reason to exist, and completely misses the point of its source material.
While the F451 remake made my worst-of list last year, this one irked me in different ways. F451’s casting department put Michael B. Jordan in the lead role, and really, that’s the only way the film is “race-swapped.” That casting decision made sense, in part because there’s no reason Guy Montag couldn’t be black in a modern update. Really, there’s no good argument for or against race-swapping in this film, although this decision could be related to another “swap” that occurs.
Jacob’s Ladder was about Vietnam veterans who the government wanted to keep silent regarding the experiments soldiers were subjected to, but most importantly, THE FILM ITSELF WAS ABOUT FUCKING VIETNAM. ITS PLOT IS DERIVED FROM VIETNAM CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND RAMPANT DRUG USE! The remake’s sin isn’t the race-swapping, it’s the decision to set the film during the aftermath of the war on Afghanistan. Were psychedelics and their relationship to “the war” a hot-button issue during that middle-eastern conflict? FUCK NO! So how the hell do you update Jacob’s Ladder for 2019?
The correct answer is: YOU DON’T.
2. Serenity
Deep breaths. The closer I get to number one, the more irritable I become. Perhaps I need a little….
Serenity!
That was a terrible joke. In fact, it was abysmal enough that, were it sincere, I would give up on ever trying to be funny again. It’s a bit like the way Steven Knight, writer/director of Serenity, gave up on his own film. I think his actors felt his sentiment and followed suit.
Even trying to explain what this movie is gives me a headache. Matthew McConaughey is a fisherman (because that occupation allows him to take his shirt off more often) who has given up on life after losing his child in a messy divorce. His existence is simple and unfulfilling, with only one singular goal – catching a giant tuna. His ex-wife, Anne Hathaway, approaches him one day and asks for his help in murdering her current husband, who is highly abusive, especially to their son. McConaughey is understandably conflicted, but begins to follow through with the plan due to the $10 million he’s been offered by his ex…I mean, because of how much he loves his son.
Halfway through, there’s a twist. A movie-breaking twist. A twist so lame and abrupt that I couldn’t believe someone would actually write this shit.
They are all in a video game designed by the “son,” and it’s called Serenity. This child’s father died in Iraq, and McConaughey is the son’s reconstruction of him. There are scenes where characters appeal to their creator (being the child), and allowing these people to be aware they’re in a game results in a very, very poorly-executed plot. As McConaughey slowly begins to realize what’s going on, he expresses his love for his son over and over again. Then, in the real world, the child kills his stepfather in cold blood. He’s arrested, and released to his mother’s custody as he awaits trial. This gives him time to reprogram Serenity’s ending to include some father-son reconciliation.
It’s pretty obvious what this movie was going for, but it fails at its objectives. It feels so hollow, especially when you realize these characters have never had free will. It’s like watching the wives of Stepford at work, and the cliché but semi-intriguing setup at the beginning is abandoned way too soon.
1. The Haunting of Sharon Tate
I wrote about this one in my “films inspired by Charles Manson” piece, but even after all this time, The Haunting of Sharon Tate sticks out in my mind as the absolute worst film I’ve seen all year. It’s not just a bad movie, it’s disrespectful to the legacy of Manson’s victims, and that adds an extra layer of HOLY SHIT WHY DID SOMEONE MAKE THIS MOVIE?
To get this out of the way, Sharon Tate is not haunted by anyone in this movie. Instead, pregnant Tate (played by Hilary Duff) spends the first half believing that she is being gaslighted, much like the plot of her husband’s film Rosemary’s Baby. For the rest of the movie, Sharon lives out the Tate murders in detail, over and over again, Groundhog Day-style.
When Sharon finally manages to fend off her attackers and use her knowledge of the events to turn the tides and survive, Tate and her friends discover that they are ghosts as they exit the house and notice their own dead bodies lying in bags on the ground. Nothing changed, and the murders were successful.
You can tell that the film has two clear goals. The first is obvious – exploiting a tragic murder for financial gain, because Manson is hot right now. The second is to provide us with what is supposed to be a female empowerment story in which Sharon Tate kills the Manson family and lives. However, it ceases to be an empowering story when Tate ends up dead anyway. The premise is such a short-sighted faux-feminist statement that it can’t possibly do Tate any favors in the end. This is strictly a film about using real-life death to draw in box office numbers, and it’s fucking sick.
This director, Daniel Farrands, has another movie coming out in the near future, and it suggests something even more disturbing than the existence of The Haunting of Sharon Tate – a franchise. This movie’s name will be The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, and it seems that post-production has already been completed. You may find that one on next year’s worst-of list, because this concept is fucking awful.