Before I begin, trigger warning:
I’ll be talking about sexual abuse and other nasty things.
A lot.
I’ll also be assuming Michael Jackson’s guilt, so fans of the king of pop beware.
In order to fully understand what A Tale of Two Coreys is, I feel like some background information on Corey Feldman’s career trajectory is necessary.
Corey Feldman has been on a downward spiral for the majority of his existence. A child star known primarily for The Goonies, Gremlins, Stand by Me, and The Lost Boys, Feldman has spent the rest of his career attempting to maintain the pop culture relevance he experienced in the 1980s, with very little success.
After losing favor in the public eye by hitting puberty, Feldman’s comeback attempts became more and more desperate. During the 1990s, we saw Corey in films like Meatballs 4, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and several long-forgotten National Lampoon entries, none of which were met with stellar reception.
This didn’t stop Feldman. In the late 90s, he turned to music in hopes of using his b-list celebrity status to break into the mainstream once more. The result was profoundly boring. It was the kind of music you could only describe as “rock” because there wasn’t anything notable about it. Prior to 2016, he released four albums, none of which sold very well.
Feldman’s next comeback attempt would be reality television. He was an early cast member on The Surreal Life. His role primarily served to satiate America’s thirst for fallen child stars, and for a moment, he was absent from the “where are they now” talk show segments reserved for truly washed-up celebrities in need of coke money.
He co-starred in a short-lived reality series called The Two Coreys, a show about the relationship between Corey Feldman and Corey Haim. Haim starred alongside Feldman in The Lost Boys, and eventually quit acting because of horrible career decisions and drugs. The Two Coreys reunites the duo in 2007/2008. The still-troubled Haim moves in with Feldman, and antics ensue. The show was canceled after 19 episodes. In 2010, Haim died of “pneumonia,” and apparently, Feldman was devastated.
Around this same time, Feldman asserted himself into the Michael Jackson sex abuse scandal. He was known for being a longtime fan and friend of Jackson, spending significant time at the notorious Neverland ranch, where he was definitely not molested. He came to Jackson’s defense over and over again for several years, but the media can never take a former child star seriously, and had decided that Jackson was already guilty. This move probably decreased Feldman’s chances at a real Hollywood comeback, but at least he was visible.
In the wake of Haim’s death in 2009, Feldman began working on an autobiography. I’m sorry, a Coreyography. Released in 2013, much of it was a tell-all about the sexual abuse both Coreys experienced in the 80s. Shockingly, Feldman never once pointed the finger at Michael Jackson, who he still maintains was innocent. Instead, the sexual abuse allegations were aimed at a bunch of producers who were far from household names. This gave Feldman reason to appear on talk shows once more, and if there was ever a time for a real comeback, this should have been it.
Fast forward to 2016. Feldman appears on The Today Show to perform “Go 4 It,” from his new album, Angelic 2 The Core. The hosts watch in awe and horror as Corey prances around a stage in a black hoodie, with several women in angel costumes behind him playing instruments. His dance is reminiscent of a bad Michael Jackson impersonation. After this intro, we are subjected to quite possibly the worst musical performance in television history. He is consistently off-key, his dancing is erratic, his lyrics are nonsensical, and there’s a guest rapper dressed like somebody’s awkward, embarrassing father who happened to drop by on his way back from golfing. Much to Corey’s detriment, this video went viral.
The only thing more incompetent and embarrassing than this performance was the album itself. Feldman described it as “Angelic Funkadelic,” a made-up category that will forever be a genre of one. It’s so shockingly inept that it borders on avant-garde, even though that was clearly not the intention. Anthony Fantano of The Needle Drop released a nearly hour-long video reviewing Angelic 2 The Core, during which Fantano is unable to contain himself as he chuckles in horror and disbelief, asserting that this may be the worst album of the decade.
Following the album, Feldman began his Charlie Sheen-esque media frenzy. He openly defended the album in many interviews, and didn’t seem to take the criticism well. He was visibly detached from reality, and the music itself was clearly the work of a madman. He spoke of a charity that helps “angels,” which are apparently just women. He became an overnight joke, and even though we were laughing at him and not with him, Corey Feldman was once again relevant.
During this brief media frenzy, Feldman decided to once again resurrect his molestation allegations, this time placing more of an emphasis on the abuse that Corey Haim suffered. As he made the talk show rounds, Feldman was very intentional about the way he revealed the details of the abuse, disclosing this information one piece at a time as if he were trying to build suspense. He has two documentary proposals up on IndieGoGo right now, neither of which are anywhere close to reaching their goal, and both of which would be about Feldman’s abuse and his alleged philanthropy.
If you read my “Least Favorite Films of 2017” article, you’re probably familiar with a little Lifetime film called “Britney Ever After,” a Britney Spears biopic that dramatizes the events of her rise to fame in a film so incompetent that it feels like a fever dream. A Tale of Two Coreys feels like Lifetime’s companion piece to that movie, and it manages to be just as baffling. It’s also co-written by Feldman himself.
It will likely be my most hated film of 2018.
The film opens with 80s music, a title card that says “Los Angeles, 1984”, and a voice-over about how much Feldman idolized Michael Jackson. In case you couldn’t tell, this is the 80s. Feldman steals one of his grandfather’s white gloves, apparently from a military uniform, and begins to imitate Jackson’s dance moves before he’s caught by his mother. This is portrayed as somewhat aberrant behavior, as if this is a precursor to becoming a serial killer or a rapist. His mother is rather cruel to Feldman, and is very obviously jealous of his success.
Next, we’re introduced to Corey Haim in the lamest way possible. Actual quote, I shit you not: “Little did I know, 2,500 miles away, there was another Corey thinking exactly the same thing.” We’re introduced to Haim’s family in Toronto, who appear rather normal. We get one of those scenes where the overbearing father berates his son for doing artsy things rather than playing sports, only in this scenario, the artsy things are auditions for mid-budget films, and the sport is hockey. This must be how all father-son relationships are in Canada.
We see Haim on the set of his latest film, practicing his lines while nervously glancing at an attractive girl. Suddenly, a man appears behind Haim, encouraging him to approach the girl he so obviously adores. We only see the man from the neck down, or from behind, an odd choice for a tell-all Lifetime film. The man offers to help with Haim’s girl problems, and then explains that in Hollywood, there’s a boy’s club and a girl’s club, whatever that’s supposed to mean. He offers to molest Haim in his trailer, as a way to practice so that Haim will be great in bed when he starts having sex with women. It’s probably the lamest pedophile coercion in cinema history.
The next time we see Feldman, he’s introducing himself to Michael Jackson. Jackson is played by an African-American male with a soft, high voice. He is kind and generous, praising Feldman’s work in The Goonies. Jackson is impressed by Feldman’s dance moves, and then eerily smiles.
Meanwhile, Haim is already having flashbacks of his recent sexual encounter with random producer. Dinner is ready, his parents call out to him, and Haim doesn’t respond. Instead, he dramatically reaches for a nearby pipe full of marijuana in order to dull the pain.
Feldman points out that while his film career has taken off, he’s still expected to live like a regular teenager. At school, he doesn’t feel like he fits in, and one day he’s beaten by jealous classmates for being…famous? That evening, his mother is intoxicated, and notices Corey’s bruises. She proceeds to go full Mommy Dearest on poor Feldman, telling him that his face is what pays the bills around here. NO. BRUISES. EVER.
What does one do when mommy gets pissed because you’ve got a bruise? Why, grab a handgun and curl up in the bathtub of course.
Just as Feldman is about to pull the trigger, he gets a call on the bathroom phone. It’s Corey Haim, and he wants to get together to “finally meet this other Corey I keep hearing about.”
While hanging out on the beach, they form the most generic secret handshake ever. Feldman notices that Haim has a necklace on that says, “222.” Haim explains that it’s his favorite number, because, “It can, like, be divided by any number, ya know? It’s infinite.” Feldman is shocked, and reveals that his favorite number is 22! This is clearly the start of a beautiful friendship.
One day, Haim and Feldman are hanging out and talking about girl problems. Haim asks if Feldman wants to see something cool. Apparently, this something is a blow-up sex doll that they drag around on a Slip-And-Slide as they erotically shoot squirt guns at each other in slow motion while wearing towel-fashioned capes.
This somehow leads to the revelation that 14-year-old Corey Feldman is *gasp* a virgin. Haim then recounts his abuse to Feldman, giving the same pedo-excuses heard earlier in the film.
As Feldman and Haim are smoking pot out of a huge bong in a some hotel room, we learn that Feldman has a new chaperone named Marty. Marty is a “big fan” of Haim’s work. Once Haim is good and stoned, Marty takes him to another room for some fun time. This makes Feldman very, very angry, so he gets fucked up on coke and has sex with a woman who picks him up off the side of the road. The following morning, Joel Schumacher gives him a proper scolding for being on drugs.
Both Coreys have now discovered cocaine, and spend all of their nights at various clubs fucking strangers, snorting coke, and drinking in a bacchanalian rampage. This leads to the inevitable parental lectures, and Haim’s parents get a divorce.
Feldman is finally introduced to Haim’s world of sexual abuse when Doug, Feldman’s babysitter/drugdealer, does that thing where creepy guys rub your leg and obviously intend to have sex with you. Feldman shows a little resistance, but is too tired to really care until his belt is already fully unbuckled. Doug slowly advances toward Feldman’s crotch as dramatic slasher-movie music plays.
The morning after the blowjob from hell, Feldman discovers that his father/manager has been screwing him over for years, so Feldman goes to the only guy he feels he can really trust: Michael Jackson. Feldman explains the situation, and Jackson offers to talk to his father about the mismanagement. Feldman goes to the bathroom, where he discovers Jackson’s mirror covered in Sharpie drawings of faces and motivational phrases such as, “I am beautiful,” “I am love,” “I cannot give up,” “No one will hurt me,” and “Things are safe.” Apparently, the score believes this to be a touching moment (heh), and not a revelation that Feldman is probably in the house of a raving lunatic. Jackson then offers some sage-like wisdom about how he deserves better. This leads Feldman to sue the hell out of his father.
Haim and Feldman are both having issues with their performance at work, largely because like everyone else in the 90s, they graduated to heroine. On the set of The Burbs, Carrie Fisher (of all people) has a sit-down with Feldman, who sees right through the façade he’s not putting on. She tells him that he needs to stop before hitting rock bottom, and like every addict ever, he ignores the advice of the heavy-handed pseudo-intervention. While Haim is busy with a coke overdose montage, Feldman gets pulled over and incarcerated after the most pathetic attempt to hide cocaine ever. Haim nearly dies, and Feldman goes to rehab.
15 years later, the Coreys are now estranged from one another. Feldman has a wife and child, and Haim is still addicted to non-descript pills in label-less containers. On top of this, Haim’s mother now has cancer. Feldman’s career is in the gutter, so he calls up Haim to propose a reality show; the aforementioned The Two Coreys. Haim is glad to be working again, but his dream is to be in a sequel to The Lost Boys. Feldman does everything he can to get Haim in on the film, but the studio will only allow him a cameo, and under the condition that he get some serious rehab.
Three years later, sober Feldman runs into Haim at a Playboy mansion party. You can tell Feldman is sober, because he’s carrying a bottle of water around the Playboy mansion. Haim claims to be clean, and the two hug and catch up. When they go out for a smoke, Haim confesses, “You know, when I was in rehab, I spent a lot of time thinking about you. I finally saw what it was like to see the world through your eyes, and you know what? It was beautiful.” He then leads Feldman on a romantic mystery drive that ends on the beach. After they do the secret handshake and montage like fucking crazy, we see a smiling Corey Haim with the following text superimposed:
In contrast, Feldman gets:
The film ends with a dedication to the late Corey Haim. Other than these two shots and an “RIP Corey Haim” message, this is the most epilogue we get.
Something about A Tale of Two Coreys feels as if it were written through the eyes of Feldman. In the end, Feldman is the hero. He’s all cleaned up, he’s got a child, and he’s cool enough to wear a fedora. Haim, on the other hand, is a fuck-up throughout. At the very end of the Playboy scene, Haim mentions he’s about to have a cameo in a sequel to Crank, which was released in 2009. He passed away in 2010, so there’s a yearlong gap between that final meeting and his death. When Haim tells Feldman that he’s sober, Feldman doesn’t really seem to believe him. That’s really not too unusual, but if Haim was indeed clean, it feels a bit strange to include that ambiguity.
There are other characters and traits that feel as if they’re filtered through Feldman’s version of the truth. The rapists in the film are shot vaguely when Haim is getting molested, with their faces obscured, but when Feldman is finally molested by Doug, we see his face several times. Feldman himself doesn’t do as many drugs as Haim. Feldman is generally a nice guy throughout the movie, and his wrongdoing is almost always downplayed. Michael Jackson is a sage-like abuse victim who almost fits the magic negro trope. Feldman’s parents are far worse than Haim’s, and are practically caricatures of the corrupt parents of a child star.
The most obvious indicator that this is Feldman’s story is the way the two Coreys interact. Feldman is more straight than Haim, and reacts with more disgust when molestation is mentioned. More than anything though, throughout the entire film, Haim is making eyes at Feldman. In nearly every shot, it’s like he’s just begging for Feldman to bend him over a table.
Feldman also mentions that he was jealous of Haim’s fame, which strikes me as odd. Maybe I’m just too young, but I don’t remember a time when Corey Haim was the “it” guy and Feldman was not. These factors all jive with the kind of grandiose and psychotic thought patterns displayed in Feldman’s recent interviews and even music. In other words, this movie can fuck off, because I’m not buying one moment of this horse shit.
It becomes very clear early on what this film wants to be. Feldman is played by Elijah Marcano, a guy who could easily pass for young John Cusack, but more importantly, he looks nearly identical to Joe Keery of Strangers Things fame. His hair is even shockingly similar. This is important because A Tale of Two Coreys goes for that same retro 80s vibe, but does so poorly. It’s an attempt at authenticity, but not a very good one. The 80s did not look like Stranger Things. Just Sayin’.
A Tale of Two Coreys is Corey Feldman’s attempt at making a biopic under the pretense that it’s a tribute to Corey Haim. Instead, it’s a cynical film that consistently distorts the truth in an effort to make Feldman look like a sane individual who totally isn’t losing his mind.
Thank you, Lifetime, for giving us the trash we deserve for making Corey Feldman a star.
1/10